Life Of An Angel

I am nothing. It makes sense that I feel empty because there is nothing left for me to feel. The tears just fill the void that ultimately doesn't phase a second of my existence. There is no cure and there's no reason to be spiralling the way I am. I walk around living a nightmare on auto pilot. I have no idea what's going on. Then, suddenly I wake up and it makes no difference anyways. I've been gone for days, still breathing but not actually feeling, listening, caring.. just hurting. I don't even consider hurt to be an emotion anymore. It's too frequent to classify as something that changes, that even has the ability to change. The fact that I'm repulsed by the mere glimpse of myself in the mirror like I've been transformed into this creature that every flaw I wear on the inside bleeds through to reavel this weakened version of myself that no one is supposed to see. But there it is, betraying my cover. My tears spill out more. I'm always left crying stupidly because that's my only outlet. I will continue to fall into the abyss of nothingness, with no one to hear me scream. Maybe that's why movies get to me so much thats why they appeal to the emotions that aren't supposed to be there. Maybe that's why I despite the media as I do. I'm jealous. I want what can't be real. Which is typical of me. I'm too much of anything that anyone could possibly want. It's the truth that doesn't matter. It's an unimportant fact that will fade away as fast as it leaves my mouth. There's people that get to me. That encircle me like their prey and make me the victim of their hopeless game where I can only hope to come out unbroken. And they never cease, and they never go away. Even if I stand and do nothing, if I appear useless and worn down, as if their work is already done.. they will not disappear. The one thing that I wish I had the miraculous power to push away won't budge. Irony loves to toy with people. I would kill for some sort of release if it's only for a second, but everything that gives me that also steals a part of me at the same time and pollutes my mind with addiction. Sanity for comfort. I know I'm going to lose everything, so I will brace myself for something that I could never possibly be ready for.

Wow its been a month since the last time I been on here so much has been going on with me knowing that my dad is leaving to go back to the army which is hard on me and my family. I'm in cali with my sis spending sometime with her until sept 1 which I really haven't had time to talk to my baby lately and I missing talking to him alot and I need to find sometime to call him cause I know he must really miss me.

It's been a while since I been on here so did anyone miss me cause I been enjoying my summer traveling to different places seeing new people and seeing my old friends again. But then again I also been busy with my summer job helping my sis at her job along with her four friends. Since my brother in law be home during the day watching my cute niece and nephew. But i'm so happy I get my own place in september so I won't have to worry about all the drama going on between me and my family getting on my case about every little thing I do.

Lately I been feeling sad and depressed over a few things thats going on in my family my dad is moving out my older sis is leaving to go live with her boyfriend in california. Its like everyone leaving me and moving on with their life expect me I feel like the world is moving on without me like no one even realize i'm still here besides my boyfriend and my friends. Sometime I wish everyone could spend alil more time to be here for me instead of leaving me all the time it like my record label and the people I work with is my new family and they treat me like i'm one of there own kids which I always feel special going there when I have nothing else to do.

Lately I been feeling like everyone wants me to do some many things at the same time like yesterday when I had to wake up at 8am to go into the studio do a song for my second cd. I haven't really been sleeping that much like I use to or spend anytime with my friends or my family and I really miss talking to my baby on the phone. It feels so very weird without talking to him for few days cause hes a very big part in my life hes the love of my life my soulmate my everything but I'm scared cause he might breakup with me cause we don't talk that much like we use to before I started this singing career.

Sorry I haven't updated since march 27th I been alil busy enjoying my spring break in miami flordia which is like my second home. But then again i'm alil mad cause my friend got a sidekick two and i want one but i'm short 250 anyone wanna help me out please cause i'm tired of working at my job and my singing career i'm putting on hold until june cause I can't go to school and work on cd at the same time thats to much pressure and work. Plus I miss talking to my baby on the phone soo much hearing his voice puts a smile on my face and and keeps me doing what I need to do. I love him so much more than everything on the planet and everything that god created without talking to him is like a piece of my heart has broke away. I get more time writing new songs and do the things that I love doing like spending time with my family and friends I miss doing that.

Lately I been feeling alil confused about a few things especially with my family and friends sometimes they tell me why do I bother being with the same guy all my life. They just don't understand how I feel about my boyfriend when the right guys comes along and show u true love u forget all about the other guys that broken ur heart or even the guys that try to holla at u. I love my boyfriend way too much to ever cheat or lie to him and i know he feels the same way about me. My friends could never understand why I do stay with the same guy for more then one year but when u love someone and u know they gonna treat u right u still with them unless they are playing games with u behind ur back. I wish my family and friends didn't make me so confused all the time making me think so much about these things that I really don't wanna think about right now.

I'm glad I can talk to my baby tonight cause I been stressing out been too much on my mind and I don't have time to clear it I can finally talk again since saturday but its gonna take me a while to start singing again but I been working on it. I can't stop thinking about him hes always on my mind like 24/7 I love him more each day more then I ever loved any guy before him.

I'm so mad right now my doctor told me I have to stop singing for a few weeks until my throat stop hurting and plus its very red. I'm mad cause I can't talk that much everytime I talk its hurts way too much I guess thats what I get for singing all day and all night in the studio working on my cd maybe god is trying to tell me something. Now i'm home being bored all day since I can't talk in school but all I can do is do my work and thats it which is no fun cause i can't even talk to my baby or my friends.

I been so stress out lately cause I been going back to school and working on my second album thats alot of pressure on me cause I haven't really had time to talk to my baby on the phone like I use to do before.I know he miss talking to me cause I keep missing his calls everytime he calls me which I really don't mean to cause I been in the studio trying to get this album don't which has songs that can really related to people lives and more about mines too. This time its going to be a double disc cd which has my music video and behind the scene footage on everything that I do. Well I gotta go to school in like half an hour i'll try to keep yall posted on the things that I'm doing and I know that I don't be on here that much anymore cause my life is so busy now but I do miss yall alot even my sweet boyfriend that I love with all my heart and soul.